The elephant in the room

  More often than not I'm pretty much an open book.

I'm not shy about talking to people. However; I've recently

realized how I've been trying to stifle a lot of guilt I have.

I know so many people can understand how I feel. It's like 

the elephant in the room you're trying to ignore.

   Ten years ago my life was train wrecked. Everything I was 

and the life I had were totally derailed. Getting cancer and 

leukemia back to back didn't allow me much time to process

everything.

    I'm now in the "maintenance" stages. I can accept that I

won't ever be the same. I won't have my usual life back.

That's a harder pill to swallow than all the ones I take 

each day.

    The guilt kicks in when I watch my husband juggling 

his schedule so I can make my doctor appointments. I 

can no longer work, I am chronically fatigued. My lungs 

are working at 50%. I won't to scream "How did I get here?"  I used to take my boys to all their appointments, sport events and school activities. Now I get tired walking 

to the mailbox!

    My body has changed in more ways than I thought

humanly possible.That alone is a struggle to deal with.

     I feel guilty because my husband and I used to kayak,

bike ride, take walks and have lots of parties. I feel like 

I have failed. He's been nothing but wonderful and never

says anything about my limitations. This I know is all in

my head but I still feel it. If the elephant is going to be in

the room, I may as well throw it a peanut.

     Blessed I am, no question about that. Body and mind need to heal together. I am still figuring out how to do that.

I miss my sense of independence. So if you are reading this as a patient/survivor you probably understand the guilt. If you are a caregiver please understand the frustration. It isn't ever meant to be directed at you but I know some people don't even realize why they are frustrated.

     Be well, move forward, take a deep breath and remember hugs have positive energy: give lots of them!

     Sally